Letters from the Litter Tray

A vigorous expression of opinion

2012-01-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today I had one of my periodic attempts to introduce the cats to the joys of cheaper cat food. I'm still trying to remove the ensuing stains from the hall rug.

Summertime

2011-08-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

We've had just 3 weeks of sunshine here this year. It's been raining solidly for the past 4 days. Some of us are feeling the cold.

Not so clever now

2010-10-27T00:14:00.000-07:00

You thought you could save a tidy sum each month, didn't you, by switching us down to a cheaper supermarket cat food. Thought we wouldn't notice. You probably even allowed yourself to think what you could do with that extra £15. A meal out maybe, or even just food.

Think again. What made you think the current economic climate is in any way our fault?

We've eaten it, which we consider a major concession, albeit a short term one. But how are you feeling about the twice daily vomiting? Or what about spending your evenings having to trim shit and carpet fluff dags out of our butt fur and then chase us round the flat trying to wipe our filthy backsides? Is that worth £15 to you?

Thought not. You may go to the pet shop this morning.

And why not

2010-09-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

Cross post

2010-07-23T07:54:00.001-07:00

cats and pills

Legs

2010-07-03T13:12:00.001-07:00

Stupid?

2010-06-04T03:14:00.000-07:00

I was watching this last night. As one does. Rosa was sitting next to the keyboard watching it too. As soon as it finished, she crawled into my lap and let one fly. Coincidence? I think not.

You're a very fine cat

2010-01-21T03:08:00.001-08:00

Bearing a remarkable resemblance to a coffee table.

That's what the vet has just said about Mits. It's time for a diet.

Noooooo

2010-01-18T03:40:00.000-08:00

This is very sad.

RIP Casper.

Sisterly love

2009-11-22T09:02:00.001-08:00

Bored? Weary?

2009-09-05T02:41:00.000-07:00

Has crapping on the floor lost its anarchic edge?

Try something new! It's easy! It's fun! It makes GSE cry!

Just follow these simple instructions:

Crap in the tray.
On exiting the tray, jump briskly, landing with all your considerable weight on the edge of the tray.
Get out of the way sharpish.
Watch the tray tip, catapulting litter and poo in a graceful arc yards across the room.

Best done at night.

A new reality show pitch

2009-08-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

Mits says, "That camouflage print bag of yours? I don't like it so I just gokked wan up on it."

In which a four legged team of style arbiters express their displeasure at your poor taste in accessories by vomiting on said accessories.

It's called 'What not to... bleah'.

Any takers?

I've been bad

2009-05-29T03:44:00.000-07:00

Very bad. I am clearly in the dog house.

Over the past 2 days, I have found cat poo on the guest bed, on the kitchen mat, in the office and in the hall. And of course neatly placed next to the litter tray.

Clearly I've done something to offend. Would anyone like to guess what it is, because I don't know.

The credit crunch bites

2009-05-05T03:43:00.000-07:00

Tragic news about the British economy. The UK's monopoly manufacturer of litter tray liners has gone under, leaving a national shortage of everything other than 'medium'. Here at Elephant Towers the incontinence sisters require 'extra-large'. As if cleaning the litter tray wasn't bad enough already.

Real life versus still life

2009-04-09T13:07:00.001-07:00

The artistic ideal - Cat with tulips - Elizabeth Blackadder

The sad reality - Cat with tulips - Rosa Luxemburg Elephant

Morning

2009-04-02T10:29:00.000-07:00

It starts at round about 5.30am - the sound of claw on gloss paint and insistent wailing. Eventually, I stagger out of bed and let them in.
Mits: claw, claw, claw (=let me under the covers)
GSE: lifts covers
Mits: eww, I'm not going in there

repeat sequence about 30 times till one of 3 things happens. GSE's shoulder dislocates again, Mits finally gets under the covers or Rosa nips in ahead of Mits and lies there looking spiteful.

evening

2009-03-25T05:04:00.000-07:00

The cats have taken to hiding under the bed at bedtime in order to avoid being slung out of the bedroom. Unfortunately for them, they are unable to resist the lure of the feathery stick - I only have to open the drawer in which it is stored and they appear, at which point they get evicted with a 'goddamn I fell for it AGAIN' expression on their faces.

Further oppressed by the catriarchy

2009-03-15T05:35:00.001-07:00

We've settled on a compromise - they can come into the bedroom after 6.30am. This morning a squabble broke out about who got to go under the covers first and they started fighting next to my head. I got kicked in the face.

The whole point of cats rather than men is that that sort of thing isn't supposed to happen any more.

Oppressed by the catriarchy

2009-03-11T02:26:00.000-07:00

Actually, nothing in particular has happened. They're even behaving at night. I just had to use the pun in the title as soon as I thought of it.

Weeps with exhaustion

2009-02-20T03:55:00.001-08:00

I'm so damn tired I can't be bothered to think of a noise for this one:
a deeply humiliated looking cat trying ineffectually to bury the poo it has accidentally done right next to your pillow at 2am.

I won't forget that smell in a hurry.

I can't remember the last night of undisturbed sleep I had.

Nocturnal noises

2009-02-16T02:56:00.000-08:00

bssshhhhrrrr - the sound that a person of delicate sensibilities makes at 3am when, realising that her lack of opposable thumbs make toilet paper a bit of a problem, she uses my cream bedroom carpet as a substitute.

potpotpotpotpotpot - paw on carpet approaches, sleep recedes

hehhhhh - "your very existence is disturbing my slumber, other cat, so go to hell forthwith"

schllrrrpppSCRONCH - " your ear will provide a useful receptacle, should I drool too much while doing my pedicure"

slapslapslap - the sound of paw on naked flesh, roughly translated as, "I want to get under the covers but can't lift them, so wake up and do it for me."

OH PURR OH PURR OH PURR - "thank you. What, you can't get back to sleep?"

thud, crash - repeated jumping onto chest of drawers and knocking any surface items on the floor

SHADTHEFACKUP - the elephant awakes

You know you are overweight

2009-02-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

When you stand on your wooden scratching post and it breaks clean in half.

Yes, well that lasted

2009-02-09T02:59:00.000-08:00

Serious sleep deprivation all round.

By mutual agreement

2009-01-18T12:26:00.000-08:00

The bedroom door will go back to being firmly closed.

Rosa explains: That woman is just so damn needy. My fat sister may feel differently but if I've been sleeping all day I am not going to lie in one spot all night and 'snuggle', whatever that is. But it's all about her - sleep, sleep, sleep. We've done our best, we've already got her spending most of the day asleep on the sofa with us but she still insists on sleeping at night. It's unreasonable. And she yells at us if we as much as move.

And then she really went and did it. Talk about extreme provocation. An expensive wool rug from Pakistan by her bed. What was she thinking? It stands to reason that I was going to spend all night alternatively kicking the shit out of it and chewing bits off it. Then she had the gall to complain. I mean - rug or cat? Rug or cat? Why would you even care about the rug?

So Mits and I had a quiet chat and we've decided to overnight in the office. We can still help her get up by banging on the door and yelling at 6am but being expected to actually spend the night in there? No more. Forget it. Especially since she's started eating carbs again.

More bedtime trauma

2009-01-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

We've had the pushing me out of bed, we've had the forcing me into the splits. The latest manoeuvre is known as the straitjacket. This is produced by one cat on one side of me and the other on the other, both on top of the covers. This has the effect of stretching the covers so tightly over me that I am completely unable to either change position or move my arms.

In the ensuing silence, if you really concentrate, you can hear the sound of feline sniggering.

Whatever it was, I didn't do it

2009-01-01T06:55:00.001-08:00

Purring - much the same as snoring really

2008-12-31T06:13:00.000-08:00

Be careful of what you wish for in case you get it. I variously wished for the cats to sleep on the bed and to stop oversleeping and I got both but not in the way I hoped.

I've already written about being forced over the edge of the bed. The cats also wake and experience a burst of the crazies just before 6 each morning. There then followed a period when I would wake up and find I was doing the splits with both cats wedged in between my legs (on top of the cover mind you). Rosa then decided to spurn the bed entirely which kept me awake wondering where she'd got to.

Mits on the other hand now insists on sleeping under the covers which would be nice if only she'd stay there. But she likes to go for a potter every 30 minutes before coming back. Because she can't lift the covers herself she wakes me by whacking me with extended claws to ask to be let back in. Round about the fifth time of that last night I ripped something in my shoulder stretching to lift the cover and can now barely move my arm.

Plus the purring... I'm glad she's happy but it's hard to sleep through. Unlike Rosa whose purr is low pitched and even, Mits actually pronounces the 'p' in purr. Each in breath is a gasp, each out breath strangely plosive. It's as if rather than purring, she's repeating, "Oh Purr! Oh Purr! Oh Purr!"

You'd think they'd make it a different colour

2008-12-19T01:28:00.000-08:00

Hmm, now why's there a pellet of cat food lying about on the carpet in the office?

*Picks up with bare hand*.

Scream - that ain't no cat food.

A mathematical problem

2008-11-25T01:33:00.000-08:00

Persons A, B and C share a kingsized bed.

Person A is 5'6" tall and weighs about 132lbs.
Person B is 16" long and weighs about 11lb.
Person C is 15" long and weighs about 9lbs.
Person A paid for the bed and deals with all the laundry associated with the bed.
Person C randomly attacks persons A and B if they move suddenly in the dark.

Person A seems to end up with less than 20% of the available bed space.

How much space in the bed should person A get and why? Please show workings and any assumptions.

Completely ground down

2008-10-23T02:46:00.000-07:00

In the past I've always felt rather guilty about locking the cats in the kitchen overnight so in the past few weeks in the new address I've let them roam free round the flat at night.

No more. I'm so tired from constantly being woken up, either by the splat of paw on carpet underlay or the hammering on my bedroom door or the general conversational wailing as they potter around that I can't take any more. Like the cats, I now spend most of my day dozing on the sofa and that's no way to earn the money to buy the cat food.

Does anyone here actually have a cat that sleeps at night, on their bed or is that just an urban myth?

You don't say

2008-10-21T04:35:00.000-07:00

"I think your cats are finding this stressful," said the decorator as we both looked at the steaming pile of cat vomit soaking into the carpet underlay.

Settling in

2008-10-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

The cats have finally made themselves right at home. Do I need to spell it out? No, didn't think so. At least this time, I've known to go for the ultra cheap, ultra easy to clean acrylic carpet rather than the expensive, fancy wool one.

Not that the carpets been laid yet and it's not easy to wash underlay...

In which I am apparently not allowed a social life

2008-07-31T15:16:00.000-07:00

Marsha Klein came round for a drink this evening. During the course of the evening Rosa a) crapped on my lap and b) bit Marsha. Someone, I'm not sure who (although it wasn't Marsha or I) crapped on the hall carpet.

Gah. God knows what will happen if I ever get a boyfriend.

The dread paw of oppression

2008-06-28T05:35:00.001-07:00

What it lacks in execution it makes up for in essential truth.

3.30am

2008-06-20T03:49:00.000-07:00

I have insomnia thanks to partying neighbours and I think that bringing the cats into the bedroom may help me get back to sleep.

The fantasy: the cats curl up on the bed, purr and we all drop off to sleep in a cuddly heap.

The reality: Mits starts a noisy pedicure with much slurping and smacking of the lips. Rosa attacks Mits, attacks me, bites me, climbs into the wastepaper bin, drags out a plastic bag and starts eating it (with much slurping and smacking of the lips), jumps from the bedside cabinet to the chest of drawers and back again repeatedly, shifting the glass top of the bedside cabinet closer and closer to my head until I realise, befuddled, that if she does this again I risk being beheaded. She stops for a bit, attacks me again, returns to the bin. I readjust the glass top.

At 5.30 I decide to get up and turn off the alarm clock. Immediately everyone quietens down, I drop off and we all oversleep severely.

This is why the cats sleep in the kitchen normally.

What kind of a monster am I?

2008-05-20T03:35:00.000-07:00

Your cat has a dingle. Do you:
a) remove said dingle despite the cat cringing and trying to run away when you do so?
b) leave well alone till the cat disposes of the dingle in its own sweet time onto your keyboard, kitchen table, sofa, rental carpet or other unsuitable place?

New flat, same routine 2

2008-04-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

BLOODY CATS.

You asked CB. Firing from both guns. First time I've ever had to disinfect the underside of the litter tray too.

New flat, same routine

2008-04-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Interrogation cat says resistance is pointless

2008-03-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

Considerate

2008-01-31T03:11:00.001-08:00

Rosa writes:

We got the message. We know you don't like poo on the floor.

That's why we covered it up with your clean laundry.

Are you never satisfied?

Ah, the sound of claws on antique mahogany

2008-01-09T02:44:00.001-08:00

What exactly is the attraction of ripping beading off cupboards, Rosa?

Does anyone know a good antiques restorer?

Song of Mits

2007-11-24T04:26:00.000-08:00

Oh it's such a poo-ey day,
I'm glad I dumped it on you.
Oh such a poo-ey day,
I keep dingles hanging on,
I just keep them hanging on.

Yeah, I appear to be under-occupied.

Poovelanche

2007-10-29T03:21:00.001-07:00

It is a measure of how much this is getting to me that I am awfully tempted to post a photo. That would be wrong.

In the meantime, we are going to try moving the litter tray. I don't know what good that will do but it retains the illusion that something is being done.

Speechless

2007-10-22T05:01:00.001-07:00

She just tried to crap on my lap...

Whaddya mean, get off the desk?

2007-10-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

What's a little poo between friends?

2007-09-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

Forced obsolescence

2007-09-14T04:02:00.000-07:00

Rosa clearly thinks that I am a dinosaur for owning a fax machine.

Why else would she have vomited into it?

In the end it was so simple

2007-09-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

Mits is not a small cat. In fact at precisely 1.5 Rosas in weight although not in in height, you could describe her as a bit of a porker. It appears that she has been experiencing the same anxiety that strikes many people, women especially, in the more trendy types of restaurant and bar. The toilet cubicle was just too damn small. I have removed the cover from her litter tray and behold, no poo on the floor for 3 whole nights so far.

I may be speaking too soon of course.

Update: I was speaking too soon.

Update 2: but it really is a lot better.

Oh what have I unleashed?

2007-09-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

Finally, I found some Natex.

Recall that the Natex will be an acceptable substitute for liquid paraffin to cure Mits's little problem.

I offered a tiny dab to Mits. Mits screwed up her eyes, cowered and hid behind some furniture.

I then offered the tiny dab to Rosa, who does not have a little problem. Rosa likes Natex it appears. Rosa really likes Natex. Rosa savours Natex with that wine appreciation face that she normally reserves only for excavating her sister's bottom.

Yet another reason why I love the French

2007-08-28T01:48:00.001-07:00

A late night cat food emergency means that the cats are eating Felix pouches with jelly, beef flavour this morning. One of the few things I like about Felix is the multi-lingual packaging, which I insist on reading out loud to the cats, before the poor little sods are allowed to eat.

The English strapline on the pouches reads, "Yum... it's with beef", the German, "Cool... it's with beef!", the Dutch, "Delicious, it's with beef."

The French merely reads, "With beef."

PWNED, conclusively

2007-08-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

Mits writes:

So I ate some of the paraffin and let it work its magic.

Then I did a really soft, sticky crap all over the kitchen floor. GSE is cleaning it up as I write.

I think we can safely say that I won't need to worry about this any more. I win.

DO NOT WANT

2007-08-12T00:43:00.001-07:00

Mits writes:
If she gets even a single drop more of that liquid paraffin near me, her death will be prolonged and unpleasant.

I made it quite clear that I wouldn't eat my food if she added any. So she put it on my paw. My paw! Two and a half years I've put into this relationship and she puts paraffin on my paw.

So what that my bottom was bleeding. Doesn't bother me.

Derriere moi, le deluge

2007-08-10T02:02:00.000-07:00

The poo monster has been identified. It's Mits.

The solution? Stool softening, using liquid paraffin. I can't help feeling that this will be disastrous.

A poll for my feline readers

2007-08-01T04:23:00.000-07:00

Following on from the previous post, what's your favourite type of litter?

We use silicon granules here for their superior smell reducing capabilities but the package promise that one bag will last for a month is absolute crock. Barely a week in our experience.

My criteria are lightweight, no smell, will not cause a disaster if small fragments end up down the toilet.

A new tactic in the eternal war

2007-07-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

My momentary hope this morning that there was no poo on the kitchen floor was dashed in great style. The cats had for the first time hidden a bumper sized helping by artfully draping a dish towel over it.

Bastards.

An eternal truth

2007-07-19T05:21:00.000-07:00

There is never just one heap of vomit.

Name and shame

2007-07-07T01:50:00.000-07:00

Mits writes:
I am Mitsouko. I am a disgusting cat, with unpleasant personal habits. I scoot.

I hereby concede that leaving skid marks on the kitchen floor is bad. Leaving skid marks on the cream carpet is worse. Leaving skid marks on GSE's sheet, next to her pillow, is absolutely unacceptable. I am truly sorry*.

However, if you think for a second that I am going to stop doing this, you are very much mistaken.

* that you are so annoyed with me about this.

GSE writes: Ain't that the truth.

Can cats read?

2007-07-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

This books says yes.

Which is perhaps why it is available for £0.01 great British pounds.

I'm not altogether convinced that Mits and Rosa can read but there were moments that I was deeply uncertain that Edgar (sadly now deadgar) was quite as dim as she made out.

1) Her preferred seat was directly behind me on the back of the sofa so she could look over my shoulder when I was reading.

2) I left a copy of How Clean is Your House open at a page which stated that cats were nasty, dirty creatures. When I next looked, she had vomited neatly onto the book.

A message to other feline readers

2007-07-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Rosa writes:
I have just discovered that if you place your toy ferret just next to the front door, it acts like a door stop and you can prevent your housekeeper from opening the front door and getting back into the flat.

It's a useful tip. Pass it on.

A quality bit of catting, right there

2007-06-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

INT. GSE's kitchen. Day

British Gas repair man (visibly shaken): Your cats, they keep staring at me.

FADE

Morning trajectory

2007-06-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Get up
Stretch
Crap on floor
Scream for breakfast
Eat breakfast
Kick contents of litter tray around for a bit
Do not stop to wash feet
Sit on GSE's newspaper while she is reading it
Consider request to move
Exit by walking through her dish of yogurt
Walk across her lap, leaving yogurt all over her only pair of clean trousers
Wipe feet on carpet
Point
Laugh

It's getting to me

2007-05-26T01:33:00.000-07:00

Another day, more cat crap on the kitchen floor.

I dreamt last night that I opened my pot of Greek yoghurt that I eat every morning for breakfast and there was cat poo stirred into it.

Osama Bin Raider

2007-05-25T04:13:00.001-07:00

Politics - the cats have spoken

2007-05-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

Normally, when I go into the kitchen first thing in the morning, I find the floor strewn with cat litter and bits of poo. This morning it was pristine apart from a thoroughly shredded picture of Tony Blair. What can it mean?

What really happened to Annie Lennox

2007-05-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

PARTY AT OUR PLACE, CATURDAY. KTHXBAI

An apology

2007-04-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Rosa writes: We're sorry that we haven't posted much recently but we're very busy. In addition to our regular and strenuous routine of crapping all over the kitchen floor, Mits has ripped some beading off a Georgian mahogany cupboard (with her own bare paws), one of us (not saying who) has eaten one of our feather toys and then sicked it all down the front of GSE's television and we've aided GSE's recovery from food poisoning by stamping all over her when she was trying to recover in bed, killing her feet every time she moved and using her duvet covered body as fortifications as we continue our wrestling training.

10-4, Pig Pen

2007-03-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy…

A hairy moment

2007-02-19T03:01:00.000-08:00

Time slows down when you are terrified. This is just as well because there is nothing more terrifying to a cat owner than the sight of said cat hurtling through the air with the express aim of landing bottom first on a sticky side up Veet wax hair remover strip.

That's a £60 fine, right there

2007-02-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

Whore

2007-01-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

Rosa writes: What the hell is this?

GSE: It's not what it looks like...

Rosa: The hell it isn't. We were on holiday for LESS THAN THREE WEEKS but could you keep your hands in your pockets? No, you couldn't. You were out there, whoring your way round third world cities to pick up street cats. Filthy, mangy, non-pedigree street cats! You're just a vile [spits] cat tourist.

GSE: Look, I'm human, I've got needs. Three weeks is a long time without...

Rosa: Tell me that you at least wore gloves.

GSE: Uhh...

Rosa: Oh fantastic. Not only have you trampled my heart, betrayed my trust but I'll probably catch fleas or ringworm or worse. You disgust me. I want a divorce.

Mits: Is it supper time yet?

Feet

2006-12-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

Amongst their many peculiarities, the cats seem to have a thing about human feet. Mits likes picking them up with both paws and nibbling all along them, just like a corn on the cob. Rosa prefers wrapping her arms round them and using her rear feet to disembowel them, while simultaneously maintaining significant eye contact.

My take on this was that they are furry little freaks until it occurred to me that I have a bit of a thing about the feline footsie myself. After all, they are uncommonly cute. Just look at Rosa's foot and tell me that it isn't the most adorable thing you've seen in a while.

Perhaps cats feel the same way about human feet?

IM ON UR GEORGIAN CHAIR, PEEING IN UR UPHOLSTERY

2006-12-03T04:03:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those moments when felines could be viewed as a mixed blessing. Still, £75 to re-upholster a chair isn't bad. I suppose.

Mewmew

2006-11-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

The girls have been tagged by CB, which is somewhat foolhardy of her, to provide five interesting facts about themselves. I shall be in the sitting room while I leave them to do some typing.

Rosa writes:
1 I'M IN UR BLOG, ERASING UR POSTS. Oh hang on, it's my blog. Drat.

2 I'm GSE's favourite. She only picked the furry blimp because she ticked all the boxes of being biggest kitten, healthiest eater etc. When I laid the 'adoring gaze special' on her, she couldn't resist. She had to have me too.

I've never had to do the 'adoring gaze special' again.

3 I love eating bubble wrap. Occasionally I do a shrink wrapped poo. That really freaks GSE out.

4 The best thing I ever ate was a Louis Vuitton Damier handbag. That particular friend has never visited again.

5 I love my sister really. Her blimp like stomach makes a lovely pillow and she does keep my bottom clean.

Mits writes:
1 I'm GSE's favourite. She picked me first and my scrawny sister only got to come home because I need someone to play with.

2 My biggest ambition is to go out. Those cars look really interesting. So far, the furthest I've got to is the ground floor of our block of flats before GSE caught me and took me upstairs again. One day.

3 I have a little voice. You wouldn't believe I was Siamese most of the time. But when I want to I can yowl with the best of them but the trouble is it makes me lose my voice entirely.

4 I have trouble telling the difference between GSE and the rest of the furniture. She doesn't like it when I run across her head.

5 I love my sister really. She lets me eat all her food even though she flatly refuses to keep my bottom clean.

How it's done

2006-11-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

As a member of ISO/IEC JTC1/SC17/WG8 UK Panel Contactless cards, I am of course keen to promote standardisation activities and I was therefore thrilled to discover that there is now a new Internet naming protocol for cat photos which I will from henceforth endeavour to adhere to. So here goes:

I'M IN UR DRAWER, MESSIN UR SHEETZ

Mits always had big feet, even as a baby

2006-10-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

Sad cat story

2006-10-26T04:03:00.000-07:00

I think this is rather funny.

Rosa writes: That's absolutely pathetic. Stuffed toys are good for one thing only - eating.

Omniverous

2006-10-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

Has anyone got any suggestions about how to stop a plastic loving cat eating her way through headphone cables? Rosa has severed the buds of two sets of headphones so far and I am feeling a little hesitant as a result about spending £££ on the set of noise cancelling headsets I so badly need.

It started with a little handholding....

2006-09-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Then look what happened

There are few things more interesting than someone else's tail

2006-09-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

Trail of destruction: a work in progress

2006-08-20T01:49:00.000-07:00

Unattributed:
1 large porcelain cow
a stack of CDs
just one tile, which nonetheless renders an entire kitchen floor worthless (Rosa writes: you're lying. You did that.)

Rosa:
a lovely pink bow
a double sheet (Rosa writes: collateral damage - I was trying to get at what was under it)
the sleeve of a sheepskin jacket
many cat toys (average lifespan two hours)
the left ear of a pink pig toy
one Moleskine notebook

Mits:
nothing but newspapers, honest

A collaborative piece:
7 out of a set of 8 Georgian dining chairs (Mits explains: we felt that leaving one chair untouched added to the power of the work. We reserve the right to review that decision at any point in the future)

Duff feline product of the week

2006-08-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

The claim:
Want to have a reeeeaaaally, reeeeaaaally good time with your cat?... mixes the wacky scent of catnip with the interactive fun of bubbles. Pure, frantic fun.

The reality:
The bubbles either pop immediately or fall leadenly to the carpet, leaving a nasty green stain. The cats are staring at me, as if to say, what piece of idiocy is she up to now? And what's the wet, soapy stuff? Eww.

Mits writes: I like jumping and catching things. I do quite a lot of catnip (please understand that I don't have a *problem* with catnip. I can come off it any time I want. Really I can. Ooh, is that my tail?). I had high hopes for this product. But frankly, it's boring, the catnip has been cut so much it's completely useless and I don't like being dripped on. Unless you can provide decent grass or a proper toy, just leave me alone or I'll drop more books on your head.

Pet humour

2006-07-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Just call me sophisticated but this slightly reduces the horror of Rosa's little problem.

Summer - it was nice while it lasted

2006-07-07T04:01:00.000-07:00

At last something good on television

2006-07-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

It's what we do

2006-06-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

KAPOWWW!

TAKE THAT!

(ignore the mess please)

Neutering

2006-05-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

BEFORE

AFTER

'Ere

2006-04-28T03:13:00.000-07:00

Mits writes: There are a few too many photos of my scrawny grey sister on this 'ere blog. Pay me some attention for a change.

Bows

2006-04-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Collectively, we consider it an honour to be number three on Google for 'feline constipation and farting'. We also imagine that the person who Googled 'black girls' and got us as number one on their search may have been a bit disappointed. Or at least we hope so.

Helpful

2006-04-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

Rosa writes: I've just bitten an estate agent.

Peculiarities

2006-04-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

Most cats kill their prey/toy prey by biting. Do I have the only two in the world that drown it in their waterbowl?

And Rosa has just eaten, with a certain semblance of enjoyment, some of my toenail clippings. This may be the most repellent thing you've read all year.

Muscles

2006-04-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

I was woken briefly last night by a crash from the kitchen. When I got up to investigate I found that *someone* had chucked a piece of Le Creuset on the floor. How can one 8lb cat shift a pot that I can barely lift?

Mmmm

2006-03-26T04:27:00.000-08:00

Have I gone completely mad, poisoned by cat poo fumes? Click here to find out.

Hidden

2006-03-23T02:32:00.000-08:00

Someone (ie a feline someone) has been sick in the hall. I can smell it, I just can't find it. Doggamit. On balance, this is worse than the sneakily hidden poo.

Anyone want two sets of sphincters with a bit of fur arranged round the outside?

Hog slaughter

2006-03-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

Rosa writes: The pig attacked first. Honest.

'Snot like anyone needs two ears anyway.

Aww

2006-03-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

Iiiiiiit's a miracle

2006-02-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

Here's a way to make serious money from your Siamese cat.

Wait for winter.

Take one Siamese, either seal, chocolate or blue point. Make sure that he/she is sufficiently young that their body colour has not started to darken.

Take one set of clippers, with as small a head as possible.

Use Google to find a black and white picture of either Elvis or the Virgin Mary - you do want contrast and you don't want too much fine detail.

Grasp the Siamese firmly by the scruff of its neck. Pick up the clippers in the other hand and shave a picture of Elvis or the Virgin Mary onto your Siamese. Take care not to cut the little critter - this is not meant to be cat cruelty.*

Don't let anyone see your shaved kitty.

Exposed to the cold, the shaved kitty skin will grow dark fur in your Siamese's point colour in the shape of Elvis or the Virgin Mary.

It's a miracle!

Now place a photo of the miraculous reincarnation of Elvis or the Virgin Mary on your Siamese on Ebay. Start the bidding low and wait for credulous idiots and Las Vegas casinos to solve all your financial problems.

Indeed, a miracle.

*No cats were harmed in creating this unique money making opportunity. If only I'd damn well thought of it while they were still pale...

Dear client - just in case you were wondering why your deadline got missed

2006-02-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

One hugely over inflated ball of gas

2006-01-31T04:25:00.000-08:00

and next to it, an exercise ball.

Cat cruelty

2006-01-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

I normally can't stand the 'Stuff on my Cat' site but this picture is priceless.

Rosa writes

2006-01-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

I'm insulted. GSE has just called me a 'pervert' and a 'twerp'. All I was trying to do was sit down on a lit scented candle. The flame was not over the rim of the glass and my bottom was cold. I moved as soon as my frillies started to singe. What's so stupid about that?

GSE writes: I do not recommend the smell of burning Siamese backside. No burns or actual damage thank God. I've always had my doubts about scented candles. They are going in the bin.