evening

The cats have taken to hiding under the bed at bedtime in order to avoid being slung out of the bedroom. Unfortunately for them, they are unable to resist the lure of the feathery stick - I only have to open the drawer in which it is stored and they appear, at which point they get evicted with a 'goddamn I fell for it AGAIN' expression on their faces.

Weeps with exhaustion

I'm so damn tired I can't be bothered to think of a noise for this one:
a deeply humiliated looking cat trying ineffectually to bury the poo it has accidentally done right next to your pillow at 2am.

I won't forget that smell in a hurry.

I can't remember the last night of undisturbed sleep I had.

Nocturnal noises

bssshhhhrrrr - the sound that a person of delicate sensibilities makes at 3am when, realising that her lack of opposable thumbs make toilet paper a bit of a problem, she uses my cream bedroom carpet as a substitute.

potpotpotpotpotpot - paw on carpet approaches, sleep recedes

hehhhhh - "your very existence is disturbing my slumber, other cat, so go to hell forthwith"

schllrrrpppSCRONCH - " your ear will provide a useful receptacle, should I drool too much while doing my pedicure"

slapslapslap - the sound of paw on naked flesh, roughly translated as, "I want to get under the covers but can't lift them, so wake up and do it for me."

OH PURR OH PURR OH PURR - "thank you. What, you can't get back to sleep?"

thud, crash - repeated jumping onto chest of drawers and knocking any surface items on the floor

SHADTHEFACKUP - the elephant awakes

Yes, well that lasted

Serious sleep deprivation all round.

By mutual agreement

The bedroom door will go back to being firmly closed.

Rosa explains: That woman is just so damn needy. My fat sister may feel differently but if I've been sleeping all day I am not going to lie in one spot all night and 'snuggle', whatever that is. But it's all about her - sleep, sleep, sleep. We've done our best, we've already got her spending most of the day asleep on the sofa with us but she still insists on sleeping at night. It's unreasonable. And she yells at us if we as much as move.

And then she really went and did it. Talk about extreme provocation. An expensive wool rug from Pakistan by her bed. What was she thinking? It stands to reason that I was going to spend all night alternatively kicking the shit out of it and chewing bits off it. Then she had the gall to complain. I mean - rug or cat? Rug or cat? Why would you even care about the rug?

So Mits and I had a quiet chat and we've decided to overnight in the office. We can still help her get up by banging on the door and yelling at 6am but being expected to actually spend the night in there? No more. Forget it. Especially since she's started eating carbs again.

More bedtime trauma

We've had the pushing me out of bed, we've had the forcing me into the splits. The latest manoeuvre is known as the straitjacket. This is produced by one cat on one side of me and the other on the other, both on top of the covers. This has the effect of stretching the covers so tightly over me that I am completely unable to either change position or move my arms.

In the ensuing silence, if you really concentrate, you can hear the sound of feline sniggering.

Purring - much the same as snoring really

Be careful of what you wish for in case you get it. I variously wished for the cats to sleep on the bed and to stop oversleeping and I got both but not in the way I hoped.

I've already written about being forced over the edge of the bed. The cats also wake and experience a burst of the crazies just before 6 each morning. There then followed a period when I would wake up and find I was doing the splits with both cats wedged in between my legs (on top of the cover mind you). Rosa then decided to spurn the bed entirely which kept me awake wondering where she'd got to.

Mits on the other hand now insists on sleeping under the covers which would be nice if only she'd stay there. But she likes to go for a potter every 30 minutes before coming back. Because she can't lift the covers herself she wakes me by whacking me with extended claws to ask to be let back in. Round about the fifth time of that last night I ripped something in my shoulder stretching to lift the cover and can now barely move my arm.

Plus the purring... I'm glad she's happy but it's hard to sleep through. Unlike Rosa whose purr is low pitched and even, Mits actually pronounces the 'p' in purr. Each in breath is a gasp, each out breath strangely plosive. It's as if rather than purring, she's repeating, "Oh Purr! Oh Purr! Oh Purr!"